best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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