what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
