im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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