i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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