Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
