My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
