Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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