My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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