Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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