dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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