Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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