our cab driver is having phone sex.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Couch. On fire.
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