the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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