I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
