The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
