I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Who died my cat blue again?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
