Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
