he wants to bone in the snuggie
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
