I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
