walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You ruined the universe
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
