You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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