I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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