We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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