i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
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I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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