i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
