Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
