even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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