I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Randomize
