I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
