I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
