is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
