How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
