At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
