My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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