if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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