one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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