I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
