I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
