I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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