When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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