living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
