he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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