my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
