So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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