The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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