how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
i need some magic done to my vagina
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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