he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
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i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
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Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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