life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
