just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
