you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
