As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
