I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
