Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
