it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
