Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
