I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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