I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
